HOPE is what I am holding on to

I am currently in another 2 week wait. I still have a week to go but I have a lot of symptoms that I have had in previous pregnancies. Headaches, heartburn, light cramps, sore breasts, etc. I hate not knowing and I hate the wait. I'm not sure how I feel. i am not sure what I will feel like. I am more scared than excited. I wonder how I will handle a positive pregnancy test. Is the third time a charm? Now that my heart is healthy is that going to increase my chances of keeping my baby alive? All these questions keep going through my head. I sure wish I was like most fertiles who don't even contemplate the things that could go wrong. But I am an infertile who doesn't trust her body or trust that dreams can come true. I find myself thinking about how I would decorate the nursery, who he or she will look like, if the names we have picked out will be a perfect fit....but then I interrupt my thoughts and have to remind myself that I can't get carried away because it will just hurt more when my dreams are ripped out of my grip. I am surrounded by pregnant people and parents and I just want to join the club.....i just didnt know how much I would have to fight to do it. One more week....one more week to worry....one more week for that damn pregnancy test to stare back at me and make myself doubt my body.