Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Dreaming of the naive world of fertiles
Tomorrow is the day. Tomorrow I will go to the doctor to either get my sentence "u r a mother of a 3rd angel baby" or for the great news that I am still pregnant. The spotting stopped last night and my doctor moved up my appointment from the 6th to tomorrow. I am scared but calmer than I ever thought I could be. I hope we get happy news tomorrow and our luv bug is fighting. My excitement for the pregnancy didn't last too long. It started abruptly and ended abruptly. I sure hope I will get that back soon. I don't know when I can ever be calm. I know I won't be calm when I see a heartbeat. Will I be calm in the 2nd trimester, when I am buying things for my luv bug, when I see if it truely is a girl, or maybe when I get to my due date. I don't think I will ever be calm until I am holding my baby in my arms. I want to be naive again, the way I was when we got pregnant the first time. I would do anything to be naive but rather I am waiting for my world to fall down around me.
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Oh how wonderful it would be to be naive again! But unfortunately we cannot. When I get homesick for my naivety I look back at my losses and how I overcame them. I remind myself how strong I truly am, and how I need to be strong for all my babies. This is the real stuff in life, the fear, the pain, the unknown. Naive mothers aren't privy to this insight and tend to focus on all the silly superficial things that don't matter. Angel mothers understand what unconditional love is, and we worry about all of the important things. Your baby is lucky that you are worrying about it's vitality and not it's nursery decor. You are a strong Mother Kortney, you can do this. Just take it one baby step at a time right now.
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