Tomorrow is the next big ultrasound and I am so freaked out. On one hand I know I have been terribly sick, exhausted, and a lil bit on the crabby side. On the other hand I can't stop thinking that maybe that these are just the side effects of the progesterone and I am just being teased by the fertility gods. What if I say I am sick and then I go in to find that my baby has died and what I am experiencing isn't morning sickness but rather a really mean game. I sound so irrational and rather crazy but I can't help myself.
I have never seen a healthy baby after the heartbeat ultrasound so I feel like I am doomed for this life. The life of an infertile. Where will I go from here if I find out I am no longer pregnant. Who will I be....I know I won't be the same Kortney that I am now.
This pregnancy is more exciting than even the first one. I feel more prepared and really feel the intense anticipation to hold my baby this coming November. My husband and I are all ready fighting about the sex of the baby and possible names and this makes me so incredibly happy. I want to fight about what baby furniture to get, what decor should go up, and even which grandparent gets to babysit the first time. I want all this and the thought of it being ripped away from me tomorrow scares the shit out of me to be perfectly honest.
I am not a big believer in praying anymore....but if you could....please send me happy thoughts, speak to whoever your God or Gods are, or meditate about it or something. I need all the help I can get.
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