too many dates

May 20 2008, December 23rd 2008, June 1 2009, July 20 2009, February 12 2009......too many dates....too much sadness. When I lost the first baby, when the first baby was due, when I found out I was pregnant again (my husbands birthday), when I lost the 2nd baby, and yesterday my due date. I hate that I have all these days that make me sad. Yesterday was a hard day but I tried to put a smile on my face and only cried once.....on the way home from work. The tears overwhelmed me and I couldnt stand it for one more second. I think what almost makes it worse is that we aren't trying this month since I got sparky put in. I am anxious to feel like I have some control over the situation again....trying at least gives me hope. So I wait for my stupid AF to come so I can get that over with for another month. We are going on almost 3 years of trying to have a baby....that seems like an eternity.
A friend of mine was expressing how she feels when its Valentines day and she sees all her friends with significant others and she doesn't have that. She said all my friends are getting married and moving on with life, they are buying houses, and I am just trying to buy myself Ramen noodles. At first I laughed but then it struck me.....that is how I feel everyday that I see someone post on facebook that they are pregnant, they got their first ultrasound, etc..... I feel like I have been left in the dust. I am no longer an newlywed but not yet a parent. Where do I fit in. Everyone is moving on without us and we are stuck here in our puddles of tears and desperation. I often wonder if people are tired of hearing about it....tired of hearing that today is my due date or today I lost my baby a year ago. Maybe I shouldn't express my sadness and secretly mourn. I just wish sometimes I could hold a teaching session for all the fertiles out there on how to act around infertiles....what to say...what not to say....and when you should jump off a bridge when once again you are telling me about how tired you are because your beautiful baby just wanted to cuddle last night and didnt want to sleep. Do they understand that I would give up everything to stay up all night holding MY baby. Some people just need a swiff kick in the ass!
On a much lighter note.....I am starting to feel great. I am still healing but love that I know my heart is beating at a healthy rate and that I have backup when I need it. I go in on Tuesday to get "interrogated" so they can see how everything is working and if I need any adjustments. I am very excited to go so a lot of my anxiety can go away. I have a lot anxiety that my leads will have migrated or that it isn't working like it should. They do need to make a few changes because for a split second I will get the onset of dizziness and then it is like my pacemaker catches it and it goes away. I am in constant fear that this won't take care of my fainting and so those little scares are no fun. Part of it is probably just my imagination too. I am so thankful for sparky and I am really hoping that having sparky is a new beginning for us.


Kort